Author: Alan

Undercover Search

“I got drunk last night and had unprotected sex with a prostitute. Nana Street in Bangkok has its own rights. It’s impossible to say no after a few beers. I now need to get tested. Can you help me to find the HIV clinic?”

“Use Search on your phone.”

“I’m too scared to do it. The minute I type that into the search box, it’s like telling the world, or at least 10 thousand companies, that I had unprotected sex and potentially HIV. They’ll start showing me condom adverts. I need to go undercover with this search. Will you help?”

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Guided tour of Saramago’s house

No flash photography allowed. Time start: Study. Press 2 on your device. Saramago wrote here. Let’s read the passage from his book. Any volunteers? Next. Saramago’s living room. He rested here. This painting is about The Stone Raft – Saramago’s book about the Iberian Peninsula separating from Europe. Kind of Brexit scenario. Have a look at his bedroom. Press 4 to learn more. Saramago died here peacefully surrounded by loved ones. Let’s go to the kitchen. Coffee anyone? Then his garden. He loved his olive tree. Finally his library. 15 thousands of books sorted by author’s nationality and gender. Goodbye. Thanks.

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Difficult question

I know Lanzarote island well. I’ve been here before, mum. On my own. I remember these houses and mountains. I was picking fruit and veg – avocado, beans and cabbage. I was crying and no one came to help. I was completely on my own. I walked here from London on my own feet. Mum and dad stayed in London. I was on my own. I’m now two and a half years old and I can clearly remember it. Why did you leave me here on my own, mum? I was so little back then. And I was crying.

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The coffin shoes

I bought these shoes on Amazon a few years ago but never used them – they were too big. Now you are using them. Will you wear these trainers in your coffin? Is this the last pair of shoes in your life? Do you ever think about it? Sorry for being brutal but have you chosen your coffin shoes? You said you never wanted to be cremated and wanted to be buried. You clearly need coffin shoes. My great grandmother started thinking about her coffin outfit in her 80s. It’s so sad you have to do it in your 40s.

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Lapsang souchong

It’s got a very distinct taste and smell. Not everyone likes it. When you introduced it to me I never believed I could drink it regularly. I can’t say that I do, but I definitely always have it at home. I’ve copied you. You don’t drink it regularly but it’s always there when you want it. Today you said you are now very tired with life and at 89 you want to die. What a brave decision. I guess at this age this sort of decisions come easier. The smell of Lapsang Souchong will always remind me of you.

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How do you want to be buried?

Do you want to be cremated? We could offer you medicine. It extends life by three months. It’s your decision. Is it life or suffering that is being extended? You need to think about your will. Do you need one? Take your time, but you’ll also need to inform your mother, children and your ex-wife. You won’t be able to work anymore. Do you have a place to stay? You’ll need to have someone to look after you. Please make sure you make plans for it. Get in touch with Motor Neuron Disease Association. They will help you!

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Tired Eastern Europeans

They are both clearly Eastern European. Her face looks tired even after using filters on Instagram. His face looks tired as well. She’s got eastern, blond hair. If she was 10kg lighter one would possibly call her sexy. He’s got a simple and brutal eastern face and is impossibly thin. They both work hard in London so this holiday in Tenerife is well deserved. They post about it on Instagram. Their tired Eastern European faces do not look good on social media. There’s the type of beauty, that should be kept private.

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My life is not good

I’m old. I’m tired. I’m not feeling well. My hearing is terrible. I can’t watch tv or make phone calls. I can’t read for more than 30 minutes. Most of the time I sleep while sitting on the sofa. I’m slow. Everything is taking me ages. I’m so sorry about it. I never wanted to trouble you. I’ve got so many questions. I’m concerned about my memory. I forget things. All the time. Did I say that I’m old? Life is no good. I’m too old now. I want to die. I’m ready to die.

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Strategic Impossibilism

Each workplace is full of people who are unable to do things because they are waiting for something to be done first. When they learn that they need to do something, they will ask for a detailed explanation of the task. Once that’s provided, they will ask about the strategic importance of this work. Once that is provided, they will question it. Work won’t be done. The discussion will start about how it needs to be done. The blame will be put on the manager who was unable to explain how and why the work needs to be done.

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A decade of love will do

She’s in her 60s but still tries to look to impress. Every morning she puts on her makeup and brushes her long black hair. She puts on her tight jeans and starts a day by checking her phone for messages from her friend. They mostly talk via messengers but sometimes he calls her. It’s for these occasions that she needs to look good. It’s a desperate search for love. The longer they talk on the internet, the more she is waiting for him to arrive and save her from the decades of loneliness. Even 10 years with him will do.

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